Let’s start right into my 3rd article about Relationship Goals. My name is Stephanie and I am currently living in a small city in Germany with my little Family. I started writing a few month ago and found something which I really enjoy and love to inspire other people.
Why did I choose this topic?
As I was struggling with me and my relationship for the last few months, I decided to write about this and help other couples with my experience. As you know already a bit from the last articles, I am in a relationship for 7 years. A lot of times I heard the following sentence: “The sevenths year in a relationship is the hardest year and most of the people do not get over this.” I mean life is never easy and it doesn’t matter how long you are together. My parents got divorced when I was 14 and I always thought about this “one real love”.
Does this “One real” love really exist?
I know today, that I didn’t understand well, why parents are going to get divorced after such a long time. I just thought that all of my friends had a Mom and Dad, that I have to have this as well. But…
Don’t you think what really matters is listening to each other and find the balance between your inner self and your relationship? I had a lot of questions to figure this out and I still have but I decided to work on it.
Did you every struggle within yourself and you took it into your relationship?
I would say that each person is doing it as we realize it sometimes too late, that the problem we have is because of you and not because of our partner. When you are not happy with yourself, how could you be happy in your relationship? That makes sense, right. A long time I did not believe it until I take the time to really figure it out. Talk to each other and give your partner a kiss, when he or she leaves the house. The little things make it work in life. This is always what it takes, even in your career or friendship or in your family life.
Did you ever ask yourself, what Am I even doing in this relationship?
That doesn’t feel good, right? Well….
I mean, it is normal that you can’t always have your happy times. There will be always a point, where something is not working out well and then you must figure it out how you get to work on it. Don’t understand me wrong if something goes not the way you want it in your relationship, sit down and talk to each other. I can’t say it more often, as communication is important. Talking is better than saying nothing. Keep in mind that you must choose your words wisely as words hurt more than any action will ever do.
But there, we are already on to the next point, if something is not going well and you feel like “what the fuck is going on” you really must talk to each other.
And stop being an ass or stubborn as this is not helping in any way. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I am a stubborn person and he as well and this doesn’t make it easier most of the time. After just living as we did it for the last few months and not talking much to each other the time came when it really was on the time to talk…
And this was after the weekend, he went to Dublin with a friend. I went crazy, as he was gone for a weekend and did not really the right thing at this stage. He knew that our relationship did not go well since a while and we stopped talking to each other and lived the way you will live together with a friend. I know, this sounds sad. After I thought about it, I was really asking myself “What the fuck is going on right now?”
Therefore, you can imagine that things got worst and we both got angry more and more…
Why does it take this moment? Are they worth it? Do we need them to realize, where we stand in life?
On this weekend, he went out and took a picture with a girl, drunk and put it on social media. As he knew I will see it the next day, which I did. Therefore, what did I do? “What would you think?”
I saw it and I was hurt, angry and sad all at the same time. As I was the day before our Saturday workshop and my Coach told us that we all could come on Sunday to his new home and be a part of another workshop, which he does with a separate group of people, I did not think about it very well. As I told everyone I cannot come as I must pick up my boyfriend with his friend from the airport. But, back to the moment when I saw this picture on social media. I didn’t care about him as I just decided I am going to drive to the workshop from my coach and they can see how they get back home from the airport. Well, this wasn’t a good decision as I did not was really in the mood to participate in this workshop.
Never make any decision, when you are hurt, angry, sad or even happy.
Who knows this kind of situation, where you are sad, angry or feel like crying and then you do something because you want to hurt this other person as well?
Stupid, isn’t it. Why are we doing this? Is it because we think we feel better if we hurt the other person as well or is it because we don’t even think in this situation and just handle? As I was hurt, I just was driving to this workshop without saying anything to him as I wanted to show him “not with me”. The mobile connection wasn’t good there so, he got no chance to reach out to me. After a while, I got a little connection and called him and said to him, after what he has done, I am not going to pick you up at the airport.
“What do you think he was saying?”
Yes right, he got angry. As it was agreed that I will come but I was so hurt and I said really not nice stuff on the phone and then he said, we will talk about it when we get home and I said there is nothing more to talk about.
In the end, I decided to leave the workshop earlier to drive to the airport as some little voice in my head and my heart said, “this wasn’t it”. You never know how long a relationship lasts, but you… “only you” have it in your hands. A relationship is not just being together and sleep together when you feel like it… No, it is work and this every single day. Talking is one of the most important rules in a relationship. Not only with your partner, but it is also the rule for every relationship in your life. It doesn’t matter which one, you must talk to your parents, grandparents, friends, partner, manager…
This is what most people are scared about it, talking about the real issues and find a way to get it solved.
I wouldn’t say right now, we are perfect in our relationship, but we sat down 2 days in a row and we’re really talking all the shit out of our heart. And we are working every day on it. Seven years is not a short time and why should we break up all the time we had together when we know, we really love each other, and we will work this out together. And that’s it… The word “Together” means a lot. We are a having a hard time right know as a lot of stuff around our relationship is going on as well but this one more thing, I’ve learned never make the situation outside a problem of your relationship. 4 years from our 7 years we are together as a couple now, we lived in Ireland and this was perfect to find out if we are belonging together or not. It wasn’t easy, but we worked on it.
Trust is something which is important as well and I really struggle with it. But ask yourself, if you can’t trust someone because of you or of them? We all have our weaknesses, but this is ok, we just need to be clear about it and work on it. Create a new experience and make them work in a positive way and it will help you and your relationship.
When did you do something for your partner the last time?
It doesn’t have to be big or expensive. As I said before, the small things in life matter and not what can you buy your partner for a present or holiday… whatever.
You know what I did for the Christmas time this year as I said, I want to do it on my own and not buying this advent calendar. I was sitting down and made one for him and each day there are some nice words in there. This is just an example. I made it as I love to do creative stuff on my own.
Trust doesn’t come from one day to the other you have to work on it and find the right balance to trust yourself in the first place. Trust always starts within yourself! We are going to work on it and I know it’s not going to be easy, but we must work together and make it work with the little things.
Are you putting your effort into your relationship?
With the little things, I meant that we reorganized our days during Christmas and put the time together to work on our dreams. We took the time to work out together and start our new morning routine. Here I can give you a little tip, just try it for a few days, it will create an amazing feeling for both of you. Then, we cook together, clean the apartment and take the time to watch a movie and take your time to talk each day. Don’t stop talking after a fight – it might work out for a while, but it won’t bring you forward in this relationship. We are humans and we love to overthink stuff. Crazy, isn’t it?
Instead of just enjoying the moment and let things go if you can’t change it in this direct moment. It will always come like you want it to come. One of my teachers in college said: “You get what you focus on – so focus on what you really want in life”. If you think of the bad stuff, what could happen, then it will happen. But if you start focusing on the positive and happy moments and feelings you will get all the happy moments you want in life.
Same in a friendship, a friendship works only if both work on it and if both are honest. If the one friend is always giving and the other friend is just taking each time – it won’t be a good relationship at the end. I know friendships like this and I don’t need this in my life. Neither do you.
My Mom stayed years with my Dad and he was so bad to her, but she didn’t leave him as she was afraid to be alone. But is it worth, years of your own life to live with someone, you don’t love? Once I was asking her, why she did marry him? I never got her answer I really wanted to hear. When I was fourteen and my Dad was in jail at this time she did go to her lawyer and got divorced wasn’t the best time of my childhood, but that’s ok. I had to go through this kind of things because if not, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today.
Own your story. Don’t be afraid about it, each human on this earth has his own story and it’s good. Years later I understood why the relationships are not always easy and don’t always work out well. But if you talk and work on the things which are good and maybe are not good, it will work out… At least, you really love each other.
Don’t stay with someone, who has totally different dreams and goals and don’t even respects you for the person you are. Love must grow and both of you/us/ must work on it.
Did you know, that you are not alone with the things you struggle most in life?
Early enough I started to realize that the struggles in my relationships didn’t come from the persons I was together with. It was because of the things that I couldn’t change what happened to my parents.
Currently, I am reading a good book about your inner self. The part about the “child of the sun” and your dark side, which means the part which didn’t get the love they deserved as a child or maybe something bad happened with them and they still have it inside them as they never closed this chapter of their life. It’s interesting it’s also about our belief system. The things we got to hear when we were little, like: “Don’t do this.” You can’t do this you are not good enough in this and a few more… I think every one of us knows the different words of the belief system.
And this is also part when we are having not good memories about relationships, we create some of these belief systems and we will take it in each relationship into our life.
Same for me. I always thought I am not ok, with who I am. After my parents got divorced and my Dad left when I was 8, I thought, I had to take of my family. I had to keep them safe and be strong. At this stage, I think it would have been helped a lot if they would have been talked to me and said, you are the child, you don’t have to care for your Mom and your Sister.
This never happened, but that’s ok, I am ok with it. As I didn’t know it better as an 8-year-old child, I did try to do my best and keeping my family together. When I was 14, my Mom and my Dad got divorced and I have sent a letter to my Dad, saying that I don’t want him in my life anymore. Well, a few of you would think now, that was a clear statement, but did I write this letter because of me or because of my Mom. And I can say, I did it because of me as I was hurt and don’t want someone in my life, which were never there when I was little.
I promised to myself, when I am grown up, I am going to do this better and I even want a better life with love and care about the people around me. It’s the same in a relationship, if you got hurt several times in a relationship, you distance yourself from this person and look for the love and care in somebody else. Not right, not right… Here you have to think and stop.
Talk to your partner, when you feel alone when you feel sad or angry or he didn’t care about something which is important for you. Talk… really. Sometimes things which matter to us, don’t matter to our partner. But this is ok, it doesn’t need to.
When was the last time you really talked with your partner about your feelings?
And I mean your real feelings, how do you feel and how he is feeling. Struggles are there in every relationship or friendship. You just need to know, how to handle the struggles. Are you running away from it? Or do you stand up and say, “We are going to handle this”? With the different struggles in life, we grow, and we learn to handle our weaknesses and put it into our strengths. As I know, we did manage a lot in these 7 years we are already together, we will handle a lot more in our future.
…..to be continued.
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